


Epitaph for My Heart

by WhereTheFunEnds



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: BDSM, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Breathplay, Cable Girls AU, Dominant Kylo Ren, English Sargeant Ben Solo, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Masochism, Punishment, Rey can't kill him, Sadism, Smut, Soviet Spy Rey, Spy Rey (Star Wars), Submissive Rey (Star Wars), firearms, mention of threatened suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:30:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25420144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereTheFunEnds/pseuds/WhereTheFunEnds
Summary: 1940’s AU where Rey is a Soviet spy posing as an English nurse and Ben is the Air Force sergeant she was tasked to seduce and assassinate.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 17
Kudos: 100
Collections: Galactic Idiots Collection, Reylo Hidden Gems





	Epitaph for My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> prompt by the amazing @galacticidiots on twitter, I mixed her prompt with a bit of a Fransisco/Alba dynamic from Cable Girls since the series just ended and I miss them.
> 
> I've literally been working on this piece for over a month which is WAY longer than I have ever spent on something of this size so hopefully you all enjoy it!

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” Ben asks, holding both her wrists in one of his hands, locking the door she was pressed against with his free one. Rey clenched her jaw looking up at the man growling above her. She’d hoped it would never come to this, that he would be just naive enough to believe her. 

The dim electric lamp flickered in the corner, casting flickering shadows across his harsh face. His hair had been lightly gelled back this morning, in line with the army regulations, but as the hot summer day wore on and he was met with stress after stress, his hair had fallen out of its style. Rey always liked it when he ran his fingers through his hair, she didn’t like the fact that he did it when he was anxious but she liked the way it freed soft tendrils of hair to fall loose. 

“Notice what?” Rey responded, trying to keep her voice steady as his body held hers in place. He scoffed. 

“Your papers say Rey Johnson. Would you care to explain that _Kira_?” He snarled, his warm breath smelled of apples as it hit her face.

“Ben, I- I'm sorry I didn't tell you, my birthname was Rey, I just go by Kira now...” Rey tried to explain, the growing feeling of a nervous nausea making it hard to speak.

“Your accent is good, I’ll give you that but you made a mistake. Just one, but it’s a big one.” He bites out, his grip nearly bruising her small wrists. Rey tries to pull her wrists free but his iron grip holds fast. 

“Let me go!” Rey asked desperately, still trying to wriggle out of his hold. He pushed her further against the heavy maple door to his office. She couldn’t do this, she shouldn’t have some in the first place, she should have just told Snoke that she couldn’t do this mission and stayed in Moscow. 

“Tell me who you work for.” He growls, using his free hand to cover her jaw and make her look right up at him. Rey struggles against his grip one last time before giving up. 

She knew she shouldn’t have taken this job, not that she had much choice, but she should’ve tried harder not to take it. She knew better than to come but some small part of her was curious, or maybe desperate is a better word. Yes, some part of her was desperate that this very situation would arise. 

“Igor Snoke.” She tells him, watching his face harden into anger at her confirmation. 

“So you’ve been working for the Russians this whole time? Through, _everything?”_ Rey wishes she didn’t know what he was talking about. She wishes she hadn’t had the best memories of her life while on this mission. Long candlelight evening dinners and trips to the cinema. Stolen kisses in the back rooms of the airbase and quick glances in meetings. She wishes she had taken advantage of the time she had when he didn’t know her secret. 

“It wasn’t personal...” She tries to explain, attempting to ignore the growing knot of anticipation in her belly. 

“Wasn’t _personal?”_ He echos, his voice shaking as he leaned down, his face only an inch from hers. Rey swallowed under his hand as he stared her down. 

“What exactly about this _wasn’t personal?_ ” Ben’s oak eyes glimmered with fury, fury and something else… Rey wonders if it was sadness underneath the fury. His knee is pushed up between her thighs, not touching her, but pressing her pleated skirt against the wall between her thighs. It reminded Rey of the time last month when she had come like this, just moving on his thigh as he kissed her in the electrical closet of the base. Ben liked to kiss her, but even more than that, he liked to make her come. He wouldn’t make love to her, he’d said that from the beginning, he wouldn’t ruin her reputation like that, but he’d do everything else. Rey had tried to convince him that it was stupid, that there was no difference between letting her come on his thigh and properly fucking her, that she didn’t care if her reputation was ruined but he wouldn’t hear it. 

“Everything about this was personal.” He growls sending a shiver down Rey’s back. She’d never seen him this mad. Part of her wanted to believe that it was the name that he was mad about. _Rey._ She wanted to think that he remembered it, but that was wishful thinking and she had learned long ago that wishful thinking only made her hurt. 

“Tell me, did you pick the papers or is Snoke pulling your strings like a fucking _puppet?_ ” He asks, his voice shaking with anger as he holds her. Rey can’t look anywhere but his eyes, she can’t tear her gaze off the way his eyes convey so much anger and pain it _hurts_ her. 

“Nobody _picked_ them.” Rey insists. 

“So you’re telling me it’s a fucking coincadence that you show up on my doorstep carrying papers that say _that_ name on them?” He seethes. In his anger a piece of hair has fallen down to his brow, Rey wants to touch it. 

“It’s not a coincidence, that’s _my_ name.” Rey tries to argue, trying to push up against him and free herself while her heart beats a furious rhythm in her chest. 

“Stop fucking lying. You can lie about everything else if you want, I don’t care but don’t lie about that name.” He speaks as he pushes his thigh up, lifting her struggling feet off the ground. Rey desperately tries not to let out a whine as his thigh pushes up against her cunt, her toes barely touching the ground as he holds her immobilized. 

“Was it all fake? Did Snoke send you here to seduce me? Were you supposed to fuck me and while I sleep steal war plans? Did you just want me for my secrets?” He accuses, his voice shaking in anguish.

“No, Ben please believe me… I want you because I _love you._ My mission didn’t matter, I swear it.” Rey promises. 

“ _Love_ me? You don’t _love_ me. You love what I do for you. You love the secrets you get from me and the way I make you come without even fucking you.” Ben accused as Rey tried to shift on his thigh only to let out a muffled mewl at the sensation. 

“That wasn’t my mission!” Rey exclaims desperate for him to believe her. Ben twists her wrists, pulling her away from the wall till her face was just a breath away from his. 

“What was it Rey? What was the mission then… to kill me?” He asks. His breath smells of honey as it hits her face. Rey lets out a guilty nod at his accusation. He stares at her for a second, just long enough to process the undoing of her lies, before he lets her go, sending her crashing down to the floor as he storms to his desk. 

Rey scrambles back to her feet before he comes back to her, holding his pistol in his outstretched hand. He presses it into her hand, turning the barrel against his forehead, his hand still holding hers against the cold metal.

“Do it. Do it! Fucking _kill me._ That’s what you’re here to do aren’t you, so here it is. Here’s your chance. Pull the trigger and take your lies back to Moscow, but burn those papers. Kill me but you _promise me_ that you’ll burn those papers and never use that name again.” His passion twists Rey’s gut in agony.

“Rey?” She asks, trying to process his anger. 

“Do it. Pull the trigger and put me out of my fucking misery!” He yells, squeezing her hand against the gun. His body is shaking as he presses the barrel against his forehead. Rey tries to pull the pistol away from his face but can't budge it. Her chest fills with terror as she reaches up to her tip toes and kisses him. 

In his shock, she pulls the gun away from him, throwing it to the ground beside them. She wraps her arms around his shoulders as he kisses her back, it’s angry, like if he kisses her enough she’ll suddenly be the person he wants her to be. Rey presses herself against him sending him stumbling back until he hits his desk. 

Rey tries to say she’s sorry, that she never wanted to hurt him, but the only sound that comes up is a muffled moan as his mouth works to undo the world around her. Rey clings to him, desperate for more, desperate for him to ruin her. 

She pulls away, trying to catch a breath but he lunges forward, catching her bottom lip between his teeth and biting. It’s not enough to draw blood, Rey almost wishes it were. He flips them and pushes her down against his mahogany desk. With one hand pressing down on her hip bone, and the other hand on her abdomen, he holds her against the desk. 

Rey watches the heavy breaths rake through his body as he stands above her. He holds her there, just staring at her like he can’t decide whether he wants to kill her or cry. 

“I was never going to kill you. Ben, I never could have killed you.” Rey begged, trying to sit up only for him to push her back down onto the desk. 

“No, I don’t think you could’ve. I don’t think you have it in you… you’re a liar but I don’t think you have the guts to be a killer.” Ben states. He leans down over her to look her in the eyes, his hands still holding her down with an iron grip. 

Rey flinched at his words. She didn’t deserve them. Yes she’d lied of course, but she _had_ to. Ben didn’t know what it was like to be a kid on the streets, he never did. He never knew the way the hunger burns in your stomach, the way it drives you into a burning desperation. There wasn’t room for morals, it was die or do the unthinkable. Rey was a lucky one, most the girls she grew up with were working in a whore house in the slums of Moscow, Rey was lying on the desk of a british navy admiral and wearing pearls. 

“What are you going to do to me?” Rey whispers. She wants him to kiss her, she wants him to forgive her. He bites his lip, not in the way he would if he were trying to be cheeky, but in the way where she fears he’s going to draw blood from concentration. 

“Nothing. I can’t- I can’t hurt you. _I want to._ God, I’m so angry I want to hurt you-” His voice shakes as he speaks, his hands slips off her abdomen and falls to the desk beside her. He leans on it as he hunches over her and squeezes his eyes shut. 

Rey wanted to cry. She wanted to go back to this morning when he didn’t know her secret, when he still looked at her like she was made of honey and diamonds… Now he can’t even seem to bear to look at her at all. Rey reached up, letting her hands frame his face making him look at her. Her lip quivered as she stroked his brow. 

“Ben…” Rey whispered trying to find the words to express her need. 

“I’m not going to hurt you. You’ll leave the base and never come back and we’ll pretend this never happened.” His words were soft, barely more than a whisper but his eyes burned with frustration. 

“Ben I- I _want_ you to hurt me. I deserve it and I- I _want_ you to hurt me.” Rey stammers over her confession, her bodice feeling suddenly tight around her chest. His eyebrow twitched as he processed her words. She wanted him to say something. Anything. She wanted him to tell her that she was sick in the head and send her away, or flip her over and fuck her into the desk. She just needed a response. 

“You don’t know what you’re asking for.” Ben finally whispers. Rey scrambles out from under him, kneeling on his desk , her ankles out on either side of her spread open thighs as her face contorted in frustration. 

“I _do_ Ben. I know what I’m asking… _please.”_ Rey’s pleas felt desperate as she ran her fingers through his dark hair. His breaths were heavy and weighted as he ran his fingertips over her cardigan and down her bare forearms till they reached her hands and pulled them together between their bodies. 

“You tell me to stop. You tell me to stop if it gets too much, okay?” He whispers, his eyes focused on the way he holds her wrists together with only one of his hands. Rey’s heart feels like a great warplane engine has just been ignited inside her. 

“Yes.” She murmurs, desperate for his punishment. 

“You promise you’ll tell me if I hurt yo- if I hurt you too much?” He amends, the warm lamplight casting a harsh shadow across his cheek as he tenses his jaw. 

“I promise.” Rey swears. The second the words escape her mouth, he’s dragging her off his desk. Her knees hit the polished wood floor with a painful thud before he grabs her jaw and pushes her back against the set of drawers that hold up half of the desk. Rey arches her back as one of the metal drawer knobs digs into her lower back. Her moan is cut off as he pushes his hand up to cover her mouth. 

“Shut up.” He barks, his free hand reaching down, gripping her hair and pulling her head back so she looks up at him as he stands over her. Rey’s heart should be racing. She should be scared about what he’s going to do to her but instead she feels a calm she hasn’t felt in years. She doesn’t have to feel guilty, she doesn’t have to fear… she’s done bad things and he’ll punish her for them. He sees her for who she is and she’ll pay his penance. 

“Do you want to suck my cock?” He asks softly, his hand leaving her mouth to gently stroke across her cheek. Rey’s mind reels. Why is he asking her? Why isn’t he _making her_ suck his cock? She nods vigorously only to have Ben pull her hair harder, making her shriek as she’s pulled back against the wood cabinets. 

“Use your words. Do you want to choke on my cock?” Rey tries to shift against the wood floor beneath her, desperate to put her growing wetness to good use. His voice is gentle, like he’s speaking to a loved one and not a spy.

“ _Please._ Make me choke on your cock.” Rey begs as he undoes the buttons to his pants. 

“You want that? You want to swallow my cock?” Ben repeats, his hand on her hair softening, Rey nuzzles into his hand his thumb strokes her loose hair. 

“ _Yes._ ” She answers, letting the truth wash over her like a jar of thick honey, coating her in sticky sugar. 

“Too fucking bad you don’t deserve it then.” Ben growls, yanking her back up onto his desk, flipping her onto her stomach so the sharp corner of the desk digs through the fabric of her skirt and against her upper thighs. She feels the cold air hit her ass as her skirt is lifted just seconds before the audible rip of her tights being torn apart echoes through the room. 

He can see it now, he must be able to. The way she’s dripping with need. He’ll say something about it, say that she’s dirty or desperate, Rey is sure of it. He’ll degrade her, not because he's mad at her but because she has disappointed him. Because she’s nothing more than a lying whore and he knows that now.

She lets out a yelp when instead of saying something, his hand comes down sharply, half on her ass, half on her soaking cunt. Her hips jolt away from the table at the impact and one of her heels slips off her foot to clatter to the ground. 

Rey feels Ben trace a finger down the seam on the back of her tights as he leans down for her shoe. It’s light, barely more than a feather touch, like he’s showing her that he _can_ be gentle but he won’t be with her because she doesn't deserve it. A hand wraps around her ankle, completely encircling it before pushing her arch down like the ballerina’s Rey saw on pointe in Moscow when she was nine. 

Ben’s breath is hot against the back of her leg as he slowly stands. Rey wants him to touch her, she wants him to kiss his way up her leg until he reaches her cunt but he doest. Instead he stays just far away enough from her skin that she feels his breath, feels his gaze, but doesn’t feel his touch. 

Ben grabs the hair at the base of her head and pulls back sharply, craning her neck and forcing a horrid noise to escape from her throat. His hips press against her ass, holding her there with her back arched and her eyes watering. It hurt. Rey wanted more. 

“Here’s the deal sweetheart…” He spat, taking a second to listen to the sound of her horse breathing before continuing on. 

“I’m going to fuck you… I’m going to fuck you into this desk until you’re crying… I would eat your cunt first but I don’t think you fucking need it, _so fucking wet,_ no, you don’t need it I think I can make you take it… that’s what you want isn’t it? You want me to fuck you so you don’t have to feel so bad about being a fucking liar?” He growls, his voice sending shivers straight to her core. 

“Yes.” Rey moans, trying to wriggle her hips, desperate friction against his thighs. He spanks her hard across the top of her ass, forcing a shriek out of Rey’s mouth. 

“Yes, _what?”_ Ben asks. Rey feels like screaming, she needs him to touch her, she needs him to fuck her until he’s spent and done with her. Ben carefully lowered her head down to the desk, keeping his hand in her hair but letting her gasp in deep breaths. He pressed her cheek against the wood table so all she saw was the base of his metal lamp, she closed her eyes before she spoke. 

“Yes _sir,_ please make me take it, please ruin me.” Rey whines. She felt the head of his cock pressed against her aching cunt for only a moment before he thrust in. Rey felt her breath leave, forced out by the sudden pressure in her abdomen, a choking noise escaped her throat as she struggled to take a breath in. 

“ _Fuck._ You know, for a whore you’re unbelievably tight… It’s okay though baby, I know you can take me right? You’re halfway there baby there’s just a little left to go…” His tone was soft but Rey’s mind reeled. _Halfway? This_ was only _half_ of him? A deep groan shook through his body as he pressed in further. 

Rey felt like her brain was short circuiting, like instead of thoughts or feelings she just had a firework explosion that would've made Louis XIV jealous. She felt her legs start to quiver as he kept pushing in, breaking her open, ruining her cunt. 

“Sweetheart, if either of your shoes fall off while I’m fucking you I’m going to punish you after and I don’t think you want that… You keep those shoes on or when I’m done with your cunt I’m going to have to punish you again.” Ben warns as he thrusts again. 

Rey knew she wouldn’t be able to keep them on but she didn’t care at this point. All she could feel was the treacherous stretch of him and the way his hand held her shoulder like if he let go she might crumble. 

Before Rey could even take in the feeling, he was pulling out leaving her to whimper before he thrust back in. Rey let out a guttural moan as her eyes fluttered shut. His hips rocked against hers and as she grew accustomed to the stretch, she began to arch back against him, meeting each of his thrusts and challenging him for more. 

Rey felt like she was on fire. She needed _more._ She needed him to _hurt her_ so that she could forgive herself. She needed him to make her come so she could make something good out of crime. She needed him to help her _repent._

Ben hit something inside her and Rey cried out as she clenched around him.

“H- H-” She tried to say something only to be cut off by another gut wrenching thrust. 

“Use your words.” He growls, moving his right hand up to wrap around her neck. Not squeezing, just holding it there as a reminder that he could if he wanted to. 

“Harder! Please, Please! More…” Rey whines, enraptured by the dissonance between his soft hand on her neck and the brutal rhythm of his fucking. 

“I would’ve married you. I would have taken you to a church and carried you back over the threshold. I would’ve been so gentle, I’d kiss your sweet pussy and tell you I loved you and work you open nice and slowly ‘till my cock wouldn’t hurt you.” He spat the words out as his pace picked up. Rey could barely breathe between strokes. 

“I could have loved you.” He seethed. Rey whines as she feels his cock start to twitch. He pulls out and thrusts back in one final time. He holds her there, filling her with his come as she tries not to cry. Rey doesn’t know whether she’s more desperate to come or for his love. 

He holds a heavy silence, filled only with their heavy breathing until his pulls out, his hands leaving her body lying over the table, utterly wrecked. 

“Was this what you wanted? Is this what you wanted when you came here with _her_ papers? Using your resemblance and guile to make me your toy? Is this what you wanted?” Ben asks bitterly. Rey shakes her head. No, she never wanted to hurt him.

“No.” Rey promises, it coming out as barely more than a whisper. 

“What did you want then? Did you think I wouldn’t notice? That I would greet you with open arms? Convince my parents that you were her? Marry you?” Ben’s voice cracked as he spoke. He took a step away from her and Rey pushed herself off the desk so she sat to face him. His head was in his hands. Rey’s heart ached. 

“Ben, I- I wanted you to remember. I wanted you to love me… like you used to.” Rey said it as barely more than a whisper, barely more than a prayer that their sins could be undone. Too much time had passed, they weren’t the children they used to be. Years of war and pain had made them hard and brutal. They had no innocence left. 

Ben fell to his knees, a whimper escaping from his lips as he kept his hands over his face. He couldn’t bear to look at her. Rey slid off the table and knelt in front of him, her hands coming to rest softly on his wrists, guiding them off of his face. His eyes were red and thick with tears. 

“You’re not my Rey- My Rey died years ago. I let her die. I came to the station too late. I saw her get shot. I killed my Rey.” His voice shook every time the name escaped his lips, everytime _her_ name escaped his lips. 

Rey shivered at the memory. 

“You didn’t kill me. Nobody did. Plutt tried to but Snoke saved me and took me to Moscow Ben, I tried to come back to you I swear it.” Rey wanted nothing more than for him to believe her. 

“Ben, feel my abdomen. Feel it, the bullet is still there. My name is Rey and I’ve loved you since we were thirteen.” She guides his hand to her belly, just above her hip where the small piece of metal can still be felt. 

His eyes go dark as his thumb finds the piece of metal. 

  
  


It’s her. 

  
  


It’s Rey.

  
  


It’s _his_ Rey. 

  
  
  


Ben makes a choking noise and falls to the palms of his hands, hunched over in despair. Rey scoots over to him, wrapping his head in her arms, holding him to her chest. 

He looks up, his face wet with tears and kisses her. It’s delicate, like she’s a flower, his lips gently kissing away their mistakes. Rey wraps her arms over his shoulders, bringing their bodies together like they are supposed to be. The kiss is a salty mix of their tears. 

When he licks her lip and she opens her lips, letting him gently press in. Rey wants to cry, it’s all too much. She pushes him away.

"Please forgive me Ben, I didn't want to hurt you, I saw your name on my assignment and I didn't know what to do… I thought you would have forgotten me…" Rey's voice cracks as she watches the pain bloom across his face.

"Forgotten you? Rey- your face, your voice, those things might have faded but I've spent the last ten years hating myself for not protecting you. Please, please stay with me Rey. I'll keep you safe this time, I swear it." His face is wet with tears as he begs her to forgive him. It breaks Rey’s heart.

“Ben it’s not your fault. It’s mine, I was alone for so long I gave up on coming back to you. I started to think maybe London, maybe _you_ were just a dream better left in the past…” Rey tries to keep her voice steady as she runs her hand over his cheek. 

“You’re not alone.” He says simply. Something in Rey’s hard feels like it clicks, like something is in place now that never was before. 

“Neither are you.” The words have barely left her mouth before she is kissing him, before she is _showing_ him that he’s not alone and he’ll never be alone again. He pulls her onto his lap, her thighs spread on either side of his legs. 

She doesn’t even realize it at first as she starts moving against his thighs, her body desperately searching for her lost orgasm. 

She whines in overstimulation when his hand finds her used cunt. Her thighs shake as he carefully traces circles over her clit. 

“Shhhhhh, baby, let me make you feel good… okay?” He whispers, watching her body react to his movements. Rey’s eyes flutter shut as she nods and he presses the sids of her clit. 

Rey falls forward against him, her forehead coming to rest on his shoulder. She moans into his uniform when he presses two fingers into her, letting her gently ride them while he rubs her with his palm. 

“I love you Rey. I do… I always have… since we were young. I- when you showed up here I thought it was a cruel joke because you- you looked like her, you looked like the girl I’d loved and lost… but I- I fell in love with you again, I fell in love with your strength and your laugh and the way you figured things out before I would even notice the problem and Rey, I _hated_ myself for it. I hated myself because Rey, _my_ Rey was the only girl I would ever love…” Ben murmurs, each word coming out in a fit of passion. 

“Ben-” Rey starts speaking only to pause with a shudder as she nears climax. He looks up at her, his eyebrows creased with worry. 

“Marry me. Be my husband, let me be your wife. I swear I’ll be a good one, I never want to leave your side Ben, let me love you.” The second the words leave Rey’s mouth she feels better. Like the weight of the last ten years is suddenly lifted off her chest and she can breathe again. 

Ben kisses her as she comes, shuddering and blissed out on top of him. 

“Yes Rey, yes I’ll marry you.” He says, taking a break from kissing her for just long enough to get the words out before pulling her against his chest. 

Rey never wanted to leave. After a long decade of horrors, she was finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully that holds up to the expectations of everyone who has been waiting for me to finish this for FOREVER. I appreciate all comments and gladly receive constructive criticism. If you want to follow me on twitter, I am @WhereTheFunEnds.
> 
> I hope you are all staying safe and sane <3


End file.
